We’re going on vacation.
“A trip with a lover!”, a friend said. I’ve been smiling at that thought for days. We’re going to the mountains to Hike and Breathe and make Simple Farm Food and maybe Look at Art. There will be no internet connection. We’re seeing a few friends, picking up babies at the end, and making more memories.
Being unmarried is really working for me right now. That is odd for me to say; I didn’t used to be the kind of person to take trips with lovers or have lovers or Think That Was Okay. Maybe part of that is because my husband was certainly no lover. I did Everything Right and ended up with Something So Wrong. Having only one life to live, I wouldn’t take a “legal” vacation with a husband over an “illicit” vacation with lover now. I do hope one day the “Husband/Lover Combo with a side of Everyone’s Blessing please” can happen but of course, that is because the lover-who-is-husband-material restored my hope that this is possible. Well, he restored my hope period.
For now anyway, my unmarried status is working well. Awhile back I was angsty about this; I was ready to Be There Already. A friend talked me through reframing it. Truth is, it’s working. Truth is, Right Now Is Not The Best Time To Get Married. Embracing truth is beneficial. But first I needed a way to state it to myself and others in a way that emphasized the Bestness of it…not the Second Bestness.
I homebirthed against the tide because it was Best For Us. I breastfed for the same reason. The counter culture of homeschooling worked Best, our ancient faith works Best For Us as well. These are things I had no trouble clinging to because I could/can see their obvious benefit for my nest. I would not trade them in order to fit into the Ideal of another.
Being with him now As We Are is that way as well. The reframe brought me freedom. Joy. Light. Permission.
We are almost 3 years out of our old life. We are over 2 years with Him. We are just 4 months Under Our Roof. I do not know what to call my role (I don’t like “girlfriend” at our ages) but I am not ready to be Wife.
I like being his Friend. Lover. Companion. Buddy. Romance. Soulmate. The Other Half of the Eternal “8”. I will be ready to be his Wife when he asks. I know that. I want that. But he’s not ready to ask yet and so there is no reason for me to Take On Tomorrow.
I was not asked the first time. I won’t miss the question the second time. I won’t coerce it or miss the beauty of today for rushing it. My children are away and the mountains call.
Vacation. A trip with a lover. These are my own Fields of Gold to someday remember. Make no mistake about that.