And so another day has passed. I stayed off the pain killers today so that I could think clearly and Get Something Done. I did. And for half of it I will not be paid as the client let another cook into her kitchen who didn’t like my “food” and thus bullied her boss into canceling my contract. For this I said, “Bitch” and went back to bed for a time. And then I got up and did more work because I must Pay The Rent. I only had to swallow a little.
Tomorrow is my birthday.
The Love has taken my little sons shopping. He regrets the bigger kids are not here for him to take them as well. This is my dessert after that sparse course of life spent with Him…the one that never remembered my birthday until my mother told him and always apologized about the gift he gave. Some of them were quite nice but he always shook his head. He felt they were inferior and embarrassed him. I noted the emphasis that my birthday gift should somehow also reflect him.
As if our entire life together wasn’t enough.
But now things are Much Better Really. And today my neck was not so stiff that I couldn’t move although I still can’t drive. And the babies coming with my sister are having their first day on the ocean shore tomorrow. They will retrieve me and my sister will scold me for not doing it Her Way and the babies will laugh in the waves and I will be happy.
Tonight the air is mild. This is often the case in Florida (I always say it Fluer-ida) and I wonder why we don’t do most of our living after 4pm. I sat outside with my book and words chased me back in to write, just a little bit you see, because we soldier on. And now the goal is longer and I like this Very Much because it means there is more of the middle to love.
Procrastinated Endings. My favorite.
I don’t really like the End of Things. Even small ones make me cry. I do that in secret or only with The Inner Posse because they are Very Safe. My posse all worked hard to get where they are; you know, I’m not the easiest person to love sometimes. And they? Well they are Beautiful. Since I hate endings and Love Them Very Much this works. But I’d rather they see me laugh than cry.
The people who think they are in the posse but have never seen me cry would be surprised.
Like when Those Who Got The Part is posted on the board and every one comes running. Some of those who think I am “unfeeling” and “insensitive” or my favorite, “a control freak” will be surprised their name is missing from the list. I used to wonder how I got those labels when I know damn well I’m a turtle with a soft underbelly. And then I remembered they only knew my armor.
I don’t need my shell to crack. Just turn me over.
It’s really not difficult. And then I remember, “I’m not hard to love”. That is one of the lies liars tell when they want you under their feet. In the mud, face full of tears and dirt and rain. Maybe the posse didn’t work that hard: they just knew what to do. And treated me with respect until I Got The Hint and started treating myself that way too.
And tomorrow is the first day of another year.
The thought makes me smile.