Yesterday was 20 hours long. My daughter had a trip that required we rise before dawn. She returned just before midnight. I worked in between. She played at Disney. She did not come home happier.
Because apparently I am the root of all her evil. This, I’m sure, is at least part of Being Twelve. My mother was the root of all my evil when I was 12. In fact, she was at least a portion of it until…well, until I’ve realized that the mother/daughter relationship is likely to be complicated forever. Which is to say, “still”.
I wonder if any of it is because her father has abandoned her. Or because I am a single mom. Or because I am dating a man who Is There For Us. And this makes her angry because it reminds her of Who Is Not. And it makes her feel crappy and “hurt people hurt people”.
So today raising a daughter is kicking my ass. It’s been a long morning of worrying about her, staying calm, setting boundaries, taking my Time Out. My list of things to do will get pushed into evening again. These days are long.
It occurs to me that this is the perfect time to lay flat, palms up. Bindu’s instructions (and I love that there are 8 instructions on the 8th day of June, the day that marks a lifechange for me as well):
1. Lie flat on your back with your legs stretched out and apart from each other so they naturally splay out to the sides. Move your arms slightly away form your torso and turn your palms upwards. Relax the hands. The fingers will naturally curl slightly inward.
The Love just called to say, “Baby, since it’s our anniversary I would like to make you dinner. And I thought you’d like to swim in the ocean too.”
Yes, I cry at his goodness. I won’t have any problem visualizing a holy place.